Tips For Professional Wrestlers

Channel surfing, I had caught a match between some masked guy, and a guy called The Crippler. The most disturbing thing about The Crippler wasn’t that he was a muscle-bound guy with a webbed neck, wearing nothing but briefs and a pair of boots. The most disturbing thing about The Crippler was, while his body was shaved clean, he had a couple of days’ growth of facial hair.

It was wrong. How wrong was it? You know how some people trim the hair off of their poodles all over their bodies and legs and butts, but leave puff balls around their head and neck and feet? It was that kind of wrong. It was a dog breeder wrong.

Tips For Professional Wrestlers

Here’s a hint: Take some time to look over your physique in a mirror. Consider even getting one of those full-length mirrors. Become reacquainted with your body. It may seem like an imposition, but can you spend too much time improving your body self-image?

When you think you’ve become well-enough acquainted with your body, look away. Then take a quick look at yourself in the mirror and look away again. Then throw out your beard trimmer and shave that damn thing off.

Research this thing they call peripheral vision:

There’s this thing called peripheral vision you need to look into. I hear it’s all the rage among the kids these days. For instance, all those times you blacked out in the ring for no apparent reason and woke up with a splitting headache? No, it’s not considered normal for people to spontaneously lose consciousness. No, no one released nerve gas into the stadium.

No, that turkey sandwich you had didn’t just make you sleepy. Someone approached you from outside your standard field of vision, picked up a folding chair, and whacked you across the back of your head with it. Most likely, it was that guy you landed on when you jumped off of that post.

Dodge attacks!

No, peripheral vision won’t keep that folding chair from striking the back of your head. However, knowing the direction from which that sweaty 280 lb. The guy is charging you will allow you to position the back of your head away from the chair he swings at you.

Maybe even give you a chance to, you know, block it. Perhaps even move your head out of the way altogether. And once you’ve mastered peripheral vision, maybe you can move on to mastering fire.

If, for some reason, peripheral vision isn’t available to you (all the dehydration you put yourself through to keep that ripped-muscle look makes it hurt to move your eyes), maybe you can work on moving your neck, or better yet your whole body, face your opponent. Anything that allows you to keep the front of your face in the general direction of the guy you just kicked in the crotch.

Keep some of your entourage out of the ring:

Bringing any of your entourage into the ring should be avoided. But I think we all respect your need to offend as many people in the stadium audience as possible when you talk trash.

However, all of these people who are helping you mock the stadium audience will only get in your way when that one angry wrestler runs down the long ramp, slides that folding chair past the ropes into the ring, and starts picking them off by whacking members of your entourage in the backs of their heads. Folding chairs, as we all know, are like Kryptonite to professional wrestlers.

Muscle mass of the opponent

The problem is that having all that muscle in the ring is useless to keeping out one bodybuilder from sliding that chair in the ring in the first place and taking out his ‘roid rage on you. So you see, the more muscle-bound men you bring into the ring as your entourage, the more danger you put yourself in.

Tips For Professional Wrestlers

You can treat it as a law of modern physics. Your safety from folding chairs is inversely proportional to the cumulative mass of you and your entourage.

The trick would then be to put some of that muscle outside of the ropes to block. If you want to match steroid for a steroid, you could try placing outside the ring an entire butchered cow, or that cart of half-pint cartons of whole milk meant for the second grade class of your local elementary school.

But this is professional wrestling, so four men with nunchucks should be able to cover your ass adequately. They can deliver horrific damage. (I mean the men with nunchucks. Not to be confused with kids with lactose.). Read this article to learn about the best defensive moves.