The Valentine Grinch’s Story

Oh okay, so I suppose I need to once again, vent on how I feel about “Valentine’s Day”…also known as “Hallmark Day”. Can you sense I might perhaps not be a fan? I think it’s silly to waste so much money (yes, I KNOW it puts money into the economy which needs it, but my pocket needs it too) on a holiday that had no other redeeming qualities besides doing things that SHOULD be done beyond once a year.

How hard is it to grab a card for a loved one once and awhile? In high school I remember my best friend and I were addicted to going to Hallmark and buying cards for our friends. Why? Because of the joy and happiness that it brought for someone to get one, out of the blue. What happened to the art of letters and the forethought of a good heart…ALL the time? Do we really need to narrow that down to, “Oh well, I’ll save that for valentine’s day”.



Now I know what you are thinking. Some traumatic thing happened to me that caused my broken little hert to become bitter and my heart to shrivel like the grinch without the hope of resecitation or may days of shock therapy treatment. Not even the Whoville song could revive this holiday spirit I’m afraid. (Though I might bargain for a giant turkey about now *wide kitty eyes*) However, I can tell you that there was a sort of “moment” that perhaps sort of edged my bitterness into a full blown, congress appealing, picket line shouting, riot screaming need to remove the holiday from existence. Or maybe a giant eraser…still working on that.

The truth of the matter is, yes, a moment exsisted that turned this litte innocent valentine loving teen into this. The Valentine’s Grinch. It was in Jr. High actually. Our High School was smaller back in my day before people actually voted to pay money to make it the monstrosity it is today, but back then, as a freshman, I was at the end of Jr. High. I had just fallen in love with one of my first “real” loves. His name was Joe. He was a Senior. That made me, what we call, the “shit” to my friends.

A Secret

But the fact I managed to somehow do my little Nymph eyelash batting and snag a Senior became a thorn in my side once my parents found out. I was forced to break-up with him because “He’s too old for you” Which equates in parent talk to “He’s only after your kootch and I will rip his arms off if he tries to advance on my daughter”. Did I? Nope. I just kept it secret from them. Of course, I was in love! Parents don’t understand forbidden love! *rolls eyes* Is it any wonder I turned into a kinkster later in life? Ah the years of innocence.

So, while I played it cool at home and prayed my parents were never home early when my stylish boyfriend Joe dropped me off after school in his “adult” car, I confessed my love to him via letter (didn’t we all?) and broke the news that my parents didn’t “approve” of him but that I wouldn’t let it stop me because I loved him too much. Fail number one for the Jr. High kid. NEVER say you love someone “too much”…specifically to a boy. The boy will read/listen and then take off in the nearest direction that doesn’t have you in it.

However, our story took a different turn. Instead Joe seemed to agree. “Seemed” So in my age of unbroken hearts, I nodded and wiped away tears and kissed my Senior boy and let him touch my boob. Cause, that’s just what you let Seniors do, they don’t date us because of personality! lol

Valentine Day Is Coming

So, suddenly I find some odd distance that week. I seem to always miss him after school, or he had “somewhere to be”. Finally v-day was coming up and I was determined to be a good girlfriend and show him I was serious about keeping us together and if the fact my parents didn’t want us together was bothering him, I’d prove they were dead WRONG! *imagine the stomping of the foot, cause that happened* Now, in the beginning stages of my creative brilliance (later plagued by sadistic qualities I have come to adore, but I digress) I decided I would make him a book of coupons. (Come on people, I was in Jr. High…give me a break…this is advance for that age!)

They would say things like good for hugs, or “erotic” massage (as if I knew wtf that even WAS, but hey it looked like it might entice a Senior to stick around to find out), kisses, french kisses, and even ones for “serious make-out session”. I then went and word vomitted all that built up, no week of talking love crap that I wished I could have been saying to him every moment I had. Because that really turns a guy on. THAT was a mistake I learned to not repeat. Why?

Well, I trotted off to school (mind you without my hot boyfriend’s car I was simple a home key girl that walked to school and back) clutching my note that was ribbon tied with the coupon book, carrying it along with my backback of homework I never bothered with because I was too busy with boyfriend homework determination. I clutched that thing like it was the Olympic torch! All through school I was nervous and I ended up talking in a a class that one of my “semi-close” friends, Andrea, was in and happened to be in our little circle of chat that day.

“Wait, you’re dating a Senior?”, she said. This was the moment of proud. Bitch, please. Course he is, I’m good enough, of course. Why wouldn’t he? I’m a snag! Which came out more of…


“Yea, His name is Joe…”

I remember Andrea cocking her head to the side with this wide eye stare of horror at me. “Omg,…” she said while mumbling his last name at me like it was a question in her inflection.

“Yea, that’s him, you heard of him I take it?” (I was still delusional like I had somehow impressed her by declaring him as my love candy)

“Uh yea. You might wanna sit down. I can’t believe the asshole.” This was my cue to panic. And I was quite right in doing so as she explained to me that she is in Drama and is currently, as I knew being and up and coming thespian soon, they were rehearsing for a musical Joe was a part of. Apparently, Joe decided to randomly “hook-up” with Andrea behind the side stage curtains in the dark during rehearsals. Andrea felt horrible as he gave no indication he was dating anyone. My mind was blown and my heart sunk so far in the ground that it’s a miracle I didn’t sink in with it. What an idiot I was.

So, instead of a love note and cupons, Joe got a lovely smack to the face and a break-up. But of course, he never showed. That was only in my head. He never bothered to find me or actually break-up. It was just some sort of…silent agreement that he had been caught when I am sure Andrea gave him a piece of her mind.

And so friends, this is the point. Yes, I did have a bad moment that turned my heart bitter. Does that means I will refuse your Valentine wish for me? Or refuse your roses or chocolate? Likely not, but don’t expect me to fawn over it. But I guarantee,…you do that any other day…you might just get laid.

So, happy fucking Valentines day. May the hallmark be with all you little fuckers everywhere. And may the assholes who are thinking of cheating?…I hope you choke on your candy “I Love You” hearts.