Nothing That Colorful Should Be Allowed To Ride The Rails!

Chapter 1

Everything you need to know Dracula And Kittens can be found here.

From: “Places I’m Not Allowed To Visit” (the Live Journal of John Harker).

Date & Time: May 3rd, 2018, at 8:35pm

Tags: Transylvania, Altoids, Drunken Pilots

Mood: Pumped!

Song: “I’ll Fuck Anyone But Pete” by The Illiterate Porn Stars


Bistritz.– I left Munich at 8:35 P.M. on May 1st, arriving at Vienna early the next morning. I should have arrived at 6:46 but my flight was late. There are 6,000 night clubs in Munich, and I suspect the pilot’s visit to each caused my delay.


Budapest seems like a wonderful place … from the glimpse I got at 35,000 feet. I feared to go far from the airport when I arrived. I was late getting there, and the connecting flight was already boarding. Harker Luck. This was for the best. The sight of the local Children’s Railway sends me into maniacal fits of terror whenever it comes by. Nothing that colorful should be allowed to ride the rails!

The impression I had, once in the air, was that we were leaving the West and entering the East; flying over splendid bridges over the Danube and that infernal railway, which took us among the traditions of Turkish rule. We left in decent time, and arrived after nightfall in Cluj, where nothing exciting has happened since the 14th century.

In The Casino

Here I stopped for the night at the Casino Royale. As a Jimmy Bond fan, I had to. I ate a tasty chicken done up some way with red pepper. Very good but hotter than the fifth circle of Hell. You know, the one inhabited by mole people who shovel your good thoughts into the toilet while you’re sleeping?

The waiter served me a mug of Body Beer and an exotic meal. I asked the waiter what I was eating, and he said, “Paprika Hendl, a national dish!” This would explain the breath of the local color. “You should be able to get it anywhere along the Carpathians.” Do they also sell Altoids in the Carpathians?

I have found my smattering of Klingon very useful, Romanian falling out of favor after the loss of Internet during the zombie uprising of 2012. They should have listened to the Mayans. Fortunately, some enterprising Russians decided to unload their warehouses filled with Klingon for the Galactic Traveler and flooded Eastern Europe with them after the threat was contained. I don’t know how I would get on around here without this book or my copy of The Klingon Hamlet.

The zombies never came to America because they didn’t know how to swim but Europe is still in bad shape. Just recently the E.U. gave Zombies civil rights. I’m not sure why. Zombie hunting was becoming a national pastime, but that’s Europe for you. Thankfully there are not many left, and they’re more of a nuisance than anything else since the containment. You know how you handle a wasp? That’s what they do here, but with bullets. As far as I know, they also can’t climb, so I don’t expect to encounter any members of the undead on this journey. Bummer. Mina wanted a lucky Zombie Foot for Christmas.


Having some free time while at work in Manhattan, I googled Transylvania; it had struck me that some knowledge of the country, and quality time with Wikipedia, could hardly fail to have some importance in dealing with a famed business executive. I now know CEO Dracula is the store manager for Eastern Europe’s largest Kay’s Kitten Kaboodle. He purchased the franchise from its former owner, Yankees announcer Michael Kay, and he finds Dilbert funny. Wikipedia has yet to steer me wrong.

When the second Soviet Union formed, Dracula, along with other local despots and store managers, paid the Union a fee to retain possession of their respective countries. Doing so has inspired the people of Transylvania to give Dracula the honorary title of Count. I find the district the people named for their Count is in the extreme east of the country, just on the borders of three states, Transylvania, Elbonia, and Latveria, in the midst of the Carpathian mountains. The Carpathians are one of the wildest and least known portions of Europe except when it comes to the accursed Richards and his team of adventures.

I was not able get the exact locality of the Count’s home, Castlevania, as there are no maps of this country online; but I found that Bistritz, the post town named for him, is a fairly well- known place. I’m kidding. This place is known for being a location in the game Shadow Hearts. Beyond that? The book of fame is pretty thin.

In the population of Transylvania there are four distinct nationalities: Saxons in the South, and mixed with them the Wallachs, who are the descendants of the Dacians; Hatfields in the West, and McCoys in the East and North. I am going among the latter, who claim to be descended from Attila and the Huns, which is kind of improbable when you think about it. When the McCoy family conquered the country in the eleventh century they might have found the Huns already settled. Racism and mayhem ensued, according to Wikipedia. Perhaps they settled their differences and started a breeding program like the Vulcan Pon farr?

I also read every known superstition in the world is gathered into the horseshoe of the Carpathians, as if it were the center of a creepy imaginative whirlpool. If not, my stay here may be boring. But if true, freaking awesome. I’ve always wanted to fuck a ghost!

– John

Despite what you might have heard, I do not flash my knife at children.