Hey, what’s this? “Crypto’s diary”?? That crazy alien running around blowing everything up keeps a DIARY??? Well, let’s see if we can find anything out about these extra-terrestrials. Maybe there’s something in here that we can use to stop this thing………..
Furon invasion Day 3
These humans are really finicky. But man do their brains taste great! A little light for my taste, but that’s OK. It tastes like roasted trendar anyway. And there’s no sound like a human’s blood-curdling scream as they head explodes and their brain stem spills out on the ground. Ahh, how did we miss this planet in our war against the Martians? Uh-oh, more of those guys with the funny helmets on. They keep shooting things at me. It’s time to jump into the saucer and start showing these pathetic humans what a death ray really looks like.
Furon invasion day 5
You know, I don’t know why Pox keeps trying to give me missions to fulfill. He’s such a softie. I realize he’s the captain of our ship, and he does make me some very excellent weapons for both me and my saucer. But this obsession with wanting to take over the Human’s minds and read their thoughts and blah blah blah. If you ask me, that’s a waste of time. I just want to blow some %&#$ up! I’m a Furon, I have needs too! If you want to peacefully take over a planet then go get the Blotarniams to invade. They seem to like that mind-control stuff. It’s just not me. I want to kill…..kill…..kill…….!!! Hey look, it’s one of these Earth women. She looks tasty……….
Furon invasion day 8
Finally, I get some serious action! I’m here in this place called Rockwell. These people here seem to be having some sort of gathering inside a big tent. Mmmmmm, the pickings will be quite nice! I did this thing for Pox so he can mind control some guy named “Mayor”. What a goofy name. And after convincing the town folk that the Furons didn’t exist, I blew his head off once Pox was done with him! Now that’s what I’m talking about! So after lunch Pox said I could do whatever I wanted before heading back to the mothership! I think it’s time for a little fun. First, I am going to fly around a little bit and blow up some things with my death ray. Perhaps those funny Earth men with the guns and the flying spears can come around so I can have some fun with them. Can you believe one of them actually called me……..a Martian?? The nerve! I’ve got something for him. Martian my &^$*! Do the Martians have flying ships like this one? Can their ships pick up those vehicles the human run around in like this?
Furon invasion day 12
After a small stint in a place the humans seem to call “California”, I am back in this hick town of Rockwell. A lot has happened since my last entry. I’ve run into these humans in suits. They call themselves something like “The Majestic”. I was going to shrug them off like the others, except they have weapons just like mine!! And they know where I am from! That can’t be good. Looks like I have to keep my eye out for these guys. They could be trouble. But you should see the weapons I have to work with. In case you find this diary and you don’t find me with it, make sure you take along some of the weapons that I like to use if you plan on trying to invade this crappy planet. Check out these beauties!
Zap-o-Matic – This is my all purpose weapon. It’s shoots out a nice stream of electric bolts to fry anything that I can get in range. Now I like this weapon more than any other because it’s easy to use, and will keep a human’s body fresh so I can get it’s brain stem. After all, I am hungry. I brought Pox a lot of human DNA I got from their brain stems. And in return, Pox upgraded this weapon for me so the electricity would zap multiple humans at once. The more the merrier. Heh heh heh.
Disintegrator Ray – These humans keep screaming out that I am a Martian. I guess it’s because we stole their primary weapon and that’s all these poor souls have ever seen on their black and white picture boxes. Technology at it’s finest I see. Anyway, the Disintegrator Ray is very straight forward. Point and shoot, and it disintegrates it’s target. I found that run of the mill humans evaporate quickly, while those Majestic characters really take a few shots. Doesn’t matter to me, as long as they die. The only problem with this gun is that it disintegrates the human’s brain stem along with the body. I told you Martians were stupid.
Anal Probe – What, did you think the “little green men” had the market cornered on Anal Probes? How do you think we Furons have our fun? Now this weapon is exactly as it sounds. When I shoot it at a human, it will enter the bottom cavity and work it’s way up to the brain stem. The Martians like to use this to look at the anatomy of a being. Have you figured out that I don’t really care about a human anatomy? They fry just like a flerdia from Pluto. Just tapping the trigger will send just enough of a probe up the human’s wazoo just enough to make them run for their lives. But when I charge the probe up a little, then it hits them hard. Hard enough to make their heads explode. So far the only ones the anal probe doesn’t seem to work on are those Majestic people. Those guys just seem to know too much about us.
There are more weapons that you’ll have access to like the Ion Detonator, the Brain-Exploder, the Sonic Boom, and the Quantum Deconstructor. Nothing sends the four legged bovine mammals flying across the land like a nice Sonic Boom.
Furon invasion day 13
I have to tell you that there are other things I can do to these humans, feeble as they are. They know nothing of Psychokinesis. And so I can use this to my advantage. Not only can I use my mind to explode their heads and collect their brain stems, but I can use my mind to pick up things and throw them long distances. I can pick up humans and smash them into the ground just for fun. Or I can launch them through the air. It’s very fun. I also can pick up the human’s vehicles and throw them too. I enjoy that just as much. The more I do this though, my PK brain power drains, and I have to wait a few minutes to recharge my mind.
You know what’s really funny? I can not believe how utterly gullible these humans are! As part of my PK power, Pox gave me this great thing he called the “HoloBob”. Just by looking at someone I can emulate them. I can look and act like them. These morons really don’t know that I’m walking around among them. It’s a power that is great, but limiting. While I am in human holo-form I can’t use my jump pak or weapons. And if I get close to one of those Majestic guys my cover is blown! What is it with these guys?? Anyway, Holobobbing takes PK energy, so to keep my cover, I have to scan the minds of the humans. They are so very superficial I have to tell you. Scanning the Earth Women’s minds uncover……well……not much. Hey, don’t look at me. Anyway, I can also do fun things with the humans when I am holobobbing, like hypnotizing them to do whatever I want. Well, whatever Pox wants me to have them do. Still, it’s fun to put them to sleep. I like invading Earth!